Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
