I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
