There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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