Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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