Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
