You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
