I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
