apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
