I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The best revenge is premature balding
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You ate ashes out of my bong
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
