A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
