Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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