You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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