when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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