Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
