somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
