I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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