idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
