I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
