Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
