Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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