If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
