Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
