Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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