Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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