My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
