you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
