ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
