She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Girls should come with a carfax report
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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