I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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