rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
