I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All the doctor said was why
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
