the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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