Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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