Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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