He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
