It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
