Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
