My friends, they love my intelligence
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
