I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
