I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
