i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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