I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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