At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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