he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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