Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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