In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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