On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
