My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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