New low: just hacked my moms facebook
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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