Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
