1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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