Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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