You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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