Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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