What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
