just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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