You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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